I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
