just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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