remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
