Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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