Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize