i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
