My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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