Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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