Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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