I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Maybe he injected his testicle?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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