Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
