You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My boob is missing a layer of skin
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
