Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
