Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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