You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
