not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize
