My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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