As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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