Why is your signature on my underwear?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
