he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Randomize
