i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
