I cockslap morals
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I believe in your delicious
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
