It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
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