i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
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