I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
