So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
