A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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