I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
