If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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