just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
