I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
All I want is dick and wine.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
