This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
