sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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