my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize