Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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