Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
