What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
COCAINE IS GR8
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