look no pants
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Randomize
