I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
