Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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