I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Randomize