The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
