I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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