Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
we're making bets on your personal life
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
