I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
