I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
someone owes me an orgasm
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
