I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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