all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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