Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
So much rum. So many feels.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
