i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize