Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
