my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
