I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Randomize
