oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
