i permit you to call me
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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