I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
